I grew up surrounded by amazing people who were constantly doing great things in business as well as ministry, yet always striving to do more.  Not because they felt like they had to, but because they felt God’s calling to help anyone and everyone they could.  Because of the greatness that surrounded me, I sometimes felt like I was expected to live up to these expectations.  Now let me be clear…NO ONE around me ever placed these expectations on me.  These were expectations I placed on myself.  Or I assumed that others placed them on me.  Somewhere early on in my life, I had begun holding others’ liable for saying things that were just thoughts in my head.  Lysa Terkeurst addresses this issue in her book, “Unglued.”  So many times, we form a perception.  But that perception isn’t reality.  “It was a wrong thought turned into a wrong perception that became a false reality (p. 142).”

My perception that I created was that I had to have everything together.  Or if I didn’t, I better get really good about putting on a mask that makes it seem like I do.  I went to church, I read my Bible, I prayed, I did what my parents asked of me, and all was well with the world.  And I was happy, and I felt tremendously blessed, because I was.

Somehow, even with as blessed as I was, Satan started to creep into my mind and thoughts.  I didn’t realize it was him, so he was able to get a pretty strong foothold.  And to this day, I have trouble separating his lies from God’s truth about who I am.  I still struggle daily with my self-esteem.  I look in the mirror every morning and see someone totally different than the person God sees when He looks at me.  When I look in the mirror, I still see the awkward high school freshman with the awesome bangs curled perfectly on my forehead and my braces blinding each person as I smiled.  I see a crooked smile and the one eye that closes slightly when I smiles.  I see the clumsy teenager who tried each and every sport, desperately trying to live up to my 6’2” potential.  Yet try as I may, I couldn’t overcome my big feet and lanky limbs.  I continued to trip over my own two feet, and come in last for every foot race.

I love to talk. Just ask anyone that is close to me.  Yet in high school, I had few friends.  I was never invited to any parties.  Most thought I did homework on Friday nights.  I was too shy to go up and introduce myself to anyone.  I had believed Satan’s lie for so long.  I simply knew that if they truly got to know me, they would realize how uncool I am and how I didn’t deserve to be in their presence.  So I was quiet.  I kept my head down, did my homework, kept my few friends close, and waited for God to call me into leadership or reveal His divine plan for my life.  I knew as soon as I heard that calling, my life would begin, and I would change the world for good.

Long story short, 11 years later, and I’m still waiting to hear what God’s divine plan is for my life.  I’ve tried several jobs and ministries, but I’ve never stuck with something long enough to change more than just a few hearts.

Then a few months ago, we were praying at church, and one of our pastors spoke a prophetic word over me.  “I feel like God is getting into a boat with his disciples and heading out.  You feel left out and so you run up to the boat begging God, ‘God, can I please come along too?’  But God said no.”

Now at this time, I was devastated.  I had felt all my life that I didn’t fit in.  Or if I DID fit in, it was only going to be for a time until the people woke up and came to their senses.  I felt like this was God confirming what I had always feared.  That I didn’t belong.  But he continued.

“You can’t come along too.  As if you’re tagging along hoping to become part of the group.  Because you were invited, just like the others were invited.”

This was the first time I had heard anything like this prophetically.  I had read verse after verse about how much God loved me and that He created me in His own image.  Yet this information had never traveled the 18 inches from my head to my heart.

I now live each day with a new perspective.  I took off my mask and ripped it up and threw it away.  The clock pendulum swung from one extreme to the other.  My husband teases me now that I simply have no filter.  I like to think that this is God’s calling on my life.  I live each day determined to do one thing: BE REAL.  BE VULNERABLE, and BE AUTHENTIC.  For better or worse.  And I feel like God will use my openness and vulnerability to encourage others to be real with me and those around them.

I created this page for many different reasons, but the biggest one is this: I want EVERYONE to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  Everyone has talents and giftings, strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and struggles.  I’m creating this page so that you can live vicariously through mine, but also share some of your insights and perspectives with me.  I want to learn from you and your experiences too.