So you may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a while.  Part of it is because I have been busy.  The other part is that I have been struggling with my stress levels, my depression, and I’ve struggled finding the joy in life lately.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m extremely blessed, but my depression has kept a gray cloud over my head lately.  And Satan knows exactly what to whisper when you’re at your most vulnerable point.  So he started whispering to me that I was failing as a mom because I was spending too much time doing homework and not enough time with them.  I was failing as a wife for the same reason.  I was failing as a provider because we’re having to sell our house.  I was failing at that too, because we haven’t been able to sell our house…well, you get the point.

So I work full-time, I help run two active kids to their activities in the evenings, I’m taking two classes at a time online for my Masters Degree, and we’re attempting to sell our house.  My husband helps with the kids when he can, but he sometimes has meetings in the evenings.  Many times at night, I can’t shut my brain off, and that is when Satan begins to whisper his worst lies.

It got so bad a few weeks ago, that I actually looked at my life insurance policy that I took out for my husband and the kids.  I began to think that since I’m so miserable all the time around the ones I love the most, they would probably be better without me.  I knew there was a suicide clause in the policy, so I wanted to make sure that they would still be provided for after I was gone.  I felt like that was the one gift I could give them in my absence that I haven’t been able to do while here on earth.  But alas, I’m about 8 months too early.  And then it clicked at just how absurd my thoughts had become.  That there’s no way that my family would be better off without me.  That was me listening to Satan’s lies, and my depression agreeing with him.

I realized it was time to start diving back into the Word, taking better care of myself physically, and paying more attention to what I eat and how it makes me feel.  I reached out and told a couple of friends and a pastor friend about my struggling thoughts so that they could hold me accountable and I wasn’t in this alone.  I also went for some further testing to see if I can figure out what might be causing my constant pain, even with my medication I’m on.

But I know all of this takes time, for me to lean into God and for us to dig me out of the weeds slowly but surely.  Yet He knew exactly what I needed this weekend.  Friday night, my husband and daughter and I went on a date while my son was at a birthday party.  We had a blast eating, and then we followed it up with school supply shopping.  After Kole got home, he asked if he could help me with my homework.  I said “Sure” because I had a big paper due, and I was completely lost as to how to finish it.  Not surprising, my 9-year old was unable to understand my Masters Level textbooks, but he and Zoe and I had the best talk.  I basically taught them the theories from my textbook, but I showed them that the theories aren’t that complicated, it’s just that sometimes people use big words.  I gave them examples of leaders and followers and the different characteristics that make them good leaders and followers, but in terms they understood.  Before I knew it, it was 11:15, and I had to send the kids off to bed.  But I loved the way that their eyes lit up when they understood something I was talking about.  They were so proud of themselves.  And I LOVED being able to spend some quality time with them!

Saturday morning, I woke up to my daughter in bed instead of my husband.  She forced me to watch one of her shows with me.  When I said I was going to get breakfast started, she was like, “I’m not supposed to let you leave this bed.”  Come to find out, the three of them had conspired against me to serve me breakfast in bed.  Kole had been worried about me since I had been working so hard on school, so he wanted to take care of me.  David was sweet enough to do all of the work for the breakfast to make it just the way Kole dreamed it.  And I was treated to eggs, bacon, and cinnamon rolls.

Saturday night, we all sat down and watched a Mission Impossible movie as a family.  The this morning, we all played hooky from church and slept in.  We played some games and watched the kids do a mini workout to help them with their upcoming sports.  Then I finished and submitted my final paper by noon.  I was then able to grocery shop, and come home and cut up all the fruit and veggies I purchased.  I worked out, and then I was even able to take a nap.  Now this evening, I have free time for the first time in I don’t know how long.  I’m about to begin studying for my two finals this week, but I just had to express my immense gratitude for an amazing weekend.  God knew exactly what I needed from this weekend, and He saw to it that everyone in my family helped make it happen.  I am incredibly blessed!

I want to encourage all of you out there if you’re struggling, you’re not alone.  Please reach out to me or someone else that you trust so that you AREN’T suffering in silence.  Also, try to find one or two little things each day that remind you of how God is with you, even in the midst of the struggles.  He loves you so much, and He will never let you walk alone!