David,

I’m sorry that I let my need to control and fix the whole world and all its problems mess up our relationship.  I’m sorry that I kept you at arm’s length, and I’m sorry for ever hinting that anything was ever your fault or that there was ever a right or wrong side to be on in this relationship.  The fact is, we’re on the same team.  And no one EVER deserves to be treated like they’re less than.  Especially by the one person who should be your greatest cheerleader.  I love you so much, and I wouldn’t ever for one second want to be on this roller-coaster of life with anyone else but you.  Please forgive me.

Jess

So now let me tell you how I finally came to write this long overdue apology note to the love of my life, and my husband of 11 years.  I started having symptoms about 6 months ago that I ignored and hoped would go away.  They didn’t.  David took me to the hospital earlier this week because of my many minor symptoms that have increased in intensity and duration, while decreasing the time between these symptoms.  Constant muscle soreness, depression, insomnia (hence why I do most of my writing at odd hours, 🙂 ), foggy brain, stomach discomfort, extreme fatigue, headaches, dizzy spells, the works.  One diagnosis I received was that of fibromyalgia.  But even on the meds, my symptoms worsened.  At the hospital, they tested me for MS.  All my tests came back within normal, so they were able to rule it out.  The PA came back to me and said some compassionate words, that I would take as an excuse to become a whole different person.  “Most of these symptoms sound like physical manifestations of your stress eating your lunch.  I see it so much more than I want to these days with all of the technology and pressure to be perfect.  You need to start taking better care of yourself, and make some adjustments so I don’t see you in here again.”

While she made a valid point, I immediately began to over-correct.  I began to blame and resent the few people I love most, and the few people that bring me the most joy.  This started before the hospital visit, but only became worse after coming home.  I was stressed about money, so I put our family on an impossible budget in order to pay all of our bills plus get us out of debt in an unrealistic timeframe.  I began to follow this budget, and made some pretty big financial decisions without talking to my husband, because I had allowed Satan enough room to convince me that he was the reason we were in this situation.  I started nagging him, pressuring him to do things he didn’t want to do, and pointing out every shortfall of his along the way.  Any wife out there ever do this?  Try to pick your whole family up on your back and drag them along with you to “a better place that they just can’t see yet”?  And no, this isn’t even my “sensitive time.”

While out using a gift card for an impromptu date night (so as not to overspend on our impossible budget), David told me some pretty tough truths.  See, you have to know my husband.  He’s an extreme introvert, yet the most brilliant man I know.  He doesn’t always “show his work” like on a school math assignment, but once he comes to a conclusion, you better be able to take notes.  Because it’s ALWAYS noteworthy.  But tonight, somehow, God opened my ears.  Instead of me shutting down because he wasn’t doing what I wanted him to do in my timing, or because he was saying truths about us as a couple that are hard to hear, I was able to realize the noteworthi-ness of his statements.  And I was amazed at their brilliance.  And that’s when God opened my eyes to all of my wrongdoing.  (Why can’t a girl just be RIGHT sometimes?!?!  I had graphs AND action points!)  (Yes, I know that’s a bit on the control freak side of things.  God’s dealing with me  every day.)

It was in that moment that God brought to my mind the Pixar movie “Up.”  There’s a line in the end of that movie that I remember to this day.  I don’t know the exact words, and if someone knows it, I would be FOREVER grateful if they could send it to me, but it goes something like this:  “Life isn’t lived in the pictures you see in the photo book.  Those are the highlights, the mountaintops.  The best parts of life/relationships are made in the valleys in between.”  And it’s so true. The best parts of my 11 years with David have been the messy parts.  When one of us is weak, and the other needs to be strong.  Or when we disagree and stay up all night talking only to discover a little morsel I never knew about him.  Or when I catch a peek of him being an amazing Dad to each of our kids (which happens on the REGULAR).  The absolute highlight of my week was curling up on the couch as a family with our dog and watching a family movie together.  (My kids have stated this must become a weekly event!)  While most people might feel like this sounds boring, I’m with Russel from the movie.  “That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most. ”

And as I’m typing/thinking this post out, God opened my eyes to see that the stress didn’t start “eating my lunch” until I started hiding my true feelings, emotions, and decision-making from David.  The stress of the world wasn’t what was getting me down, it was that I had broken he bond of “us.”  I had become an “I.”  And God never meant that for David and me.  And now that we’re back on the same team, the same playbook, the same page, there’s nothing we can’t handle together.  We are each far from perfect individually, but together with God, we can do ANYTHING!