I’ve been putting on a brave face the last few days, but I’ve really struggled this last year. I turned 30 in April, and that milestone has been much harder than I thought it would be.  It feels like it hit me right in the gut.  Combine that with a surgery that made it official that we’re not having any more kids, and I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the last 5 months.  I’m struggling with my weight for the first time in my life, and I’m on the verge of having to take medicine for my high blood pressure.  My bottom number was around 100 last time I checked it.  And they say this is the prime of my life, huh?

Our neighbors on our street found out this past year that their then 2-year old has leukemia. They’ve been going through extensive treatments, and they’ve seen their boy be turned into another child entirely while suffering from side effects of meds, as well as illnesses associated with the low immune system.  They’ve held up like champs through it all, and they’ve inspired so many with their story and their faith through it all.  But it’s just not fair.  No one deserves a disease like that, but ESPECIALLY not an amazing little boy who brings joy to EVERYONE he meets.  The treatments are going as well as can be expected, and Christian is an absolute STUD.  But the process takes 3 years, and their lives have been turned completely upside down.  But I’ve never heard them complain.  They’ve almost become stronger in their faith through this experience, and I marvel at their strength and resilience.  And I pray that I could be that strong if I ever needed to be.

Then at the beginning of October, I found out of my closest friends in school passed away after a 5-year battle with cervical cancer. And I had NO IDEA she was going through ANY of that, because we lost touch after high school.  I ache for Lisa, and her family and close friends who had to see her suffer, and there wasn’t anything they could do to take that from her.  And my heart breaks that Lisa struggled for so long, and I wasn’t there to help at all.  But most of all, I’m struggling with the “Why?”  Why would God choose to take such a good person from this earth so early, when she would’ve impacted SOOOOO many more lives here on earth.  “It’s not fair!” I feel like shouting just like my kids.  But I’m not God, and I don’t pretend to be.  And I’m sure He has a purpose in all of this, but I can’t see it.

Today is my son’s 9^th birthday.  I know it’s not a milestone birthday or anything, but with everything else going on, it has rocked me to my core.  He’s not a little kid anymore.  At about 5-feet tall, and 100 pounds, he’s the biggest just 9-year old I’ve ever seen in my life.  And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of him.  He somehow has already grown up into a little gentleman.  He opens doors for strangers, says please and thank you, and he’s always receiving amazing reports from teachers and parents.  I’ve had several moms approach me lately telling me we need to get our kids together again because they like it when their kids hang out with Kole more than other kids because he serves as a great example for their kids.  He has a bigger, more compassionate heart than anyone I’ve ever met, only to be rivaled by his sister.  He’s already seen as a leader in both sports and school.  I know I’m just his mom, but I’ve heard these exact comments from every teacher he’s had at school.  And I’m amazed at how he’s become such an amazing kid in spite of my short-comings as his mom.

I know this is nothing compared to what some are going through right now. And it could be the fact that I tossed and turned all night last night, or it could be that today is one of my “sensitive” days, but Satan’s really raking me over the coals.  So I did the mature adult thing, and I took a sick day so that I could have my emotional meltdown in my bedroom by myself.

Then what do you know, I felt a sense that I needed to share this very transparent moment. As much as I hate to really put myself out there like this, I feel like God is whispering, “If you are going to be real, what’s more real than this?  You wanted to show people that they’re not alone, so show them.”  So here I am.  I’m 30 years old, and I struggle with depression.  My depression lessens or deepens depending on my hormone levels, which is actually a major cause of most depression.  That’s for another post.

So I’m sitting here in my bed, yelling at God that it’s NOT FAIR that people struggle and suffer, and in the next breath, so amazed that even though there is so much suffering, my two kids and husband seem to be doing amazing amounts of good in this world. My kids have the biggest hearts, and they do everything they can to help everyone they meet.  And my husband, well I could go on and on about how amazing he is.  But for now, I’ll just tell you that he chose to leave a lucrative job in the finance industry in order to be a Godly role model and father figure to middle school students in the inner city.  And he’s AMAZING at it.  I go as often as I can to see him at his school, because I’m in awe of him in his element.  And he hates to be in the spotlight.  So I have to brag about him, since he won’t.

All of these thoughts are swirling around in my head, and I can’t make sense of what they all mean. So for now, I’m just sitting in bed crying.  Yelling at God and thanking Him at the same time.  And I know you’re thinking, Wow, I’m so glad I don’t have to come home to that.  And I don’t blame you.  haha.  But you know the ONLY thing I’m confident of this morning?  I’m confident that my God is a big enough God to handle it.  And to handle me and all of my hot messiness.  And when I feel like taking a sick day and curling up into a ball on my bed with my dog, He still loves me. He looks down on me, pulls me onto His lap, and rubs my back and whispers, “You’re alright.  I’m right here.  It’s going to be alright.”